When we hold complete responsibility for another living being…
There are moments that stay with us long after they happen.
I recently witnessed an interaction between an owner and their dog that left me feeling deeply saddened.
The dog was clearly overwhelmed by the environment around him — hypervigilant, reactive, struggling to cope with people, dogs, movement, and noise nearby. Every passing trigger pushed him further and further over threshold. He was barking, lunging, scanning the environment constantly. He wasn’t being “naughty”. He wasn’t trying to embarrass anyone. He was clearly struggling.
Instead of being removed from the situation or supported through it, he was repeatedly corrected for reacting, until eventually his distress escalated further and he ended up being grabbed by the scruff and pinned to the ground.
My question was simply, “Why?”
The answer, “He is my dog, it’s okay.”…
But it wasn’t okay.
I felt completely deflated at that moment.
Not because the dog reacted. Not because the situation was difficult. But because the dog had no real choice in any of it.
He was placed into an environment he couldn’t cope with, expected to tolerate it, punished for communicating distress, and physically overpowered when his emotions finally spilled over.
All because the human wanted to continue a conversation.
And to be honest, I felt guilty too, because I said nothing at first. Not because I agreed with it, but because I am tired of forcing conversations about positive reinforcement onto people who do not want to hear them. People who know me, know where I stand. They know how deeply I care about emotional wellbeing in animals. But unsolicited advice rarely changes minds, and I am okay with this.
We all want the perfectly behaved companion – calm, obedient, affectionate – but the reality is often far more complicated than the ideal picture people imagine before getting a dog.
And I think this is the part people often miss when discussing training and behaviour.
This isn’t only about methods. It’s about mindset. It’s about who you choose to be when another living being depends on you entirely for safety, guidance, and protection.
A lot of people get dogs expecting unquestioning obedience.
“He should listen because I said so.”
“She’s a dog.”
“He needs to know who’s in charge.”
And positive reinforcement professionals like myself will probably never be able to change that expectation entirely. But we can give guardians a choice, equip them with knowledge, and let them decide who they want to be.
Fear and trust are not the same thing.
You can be in charge and still be kind.
Yes, aversive methods can stop behaviour in the moment. So can intimidation. So can force. A dog can learn that expressing discomfort leads to unpleasant consequences. They can learn to suppress signals. They can shut down. They can comply to avoid punishment.
People often call that “obedience.”
I don’t.
Because in my world, and in the dogs’ world, behaviour is communication. Reactivity is not disobedience. Fear is not defiance. Struggling is not manipulation.
And when we meet fear with anger, frustration, or physical force, we are not teaching emotional safety. We are teaching the dog that their distress makes us unsafe too.
Positive reinforcement is not simply about handing out treats and avoiding corrections. It is about choosing patience over ego. Curiosity over control. Guidance over intimidation.
It asks people to regulate themselves before demanding regulation from their dog.
And that is hard.
It takes time. Effort. Consistency. Self-awareness. It requires us to stop asking, “How do I make my dog obey me?” and start asking, “Why is my dog struggling, and how can I help?”
Not everyone wants that relationship with their dog. Some people were never shown a different way of interacting with animals.
And the truth is, I no longer try to convince everyone otherwise, unless they are genuinely prepared to listen and change.
Because ultimately, this comes down to something much bigger than training methods.
When you are fully responsible for a vulnerable living being who relies on you completely, who do you choose to be?